#knocksmeouteverytime

last night, the sunset in NYC was truly incredible:

(i know i've been gone for a long-ish time. the last few weeks have been crazy and wild and challenging and fun and sad and hard and wonderful. more deets soon! xox)

behind the bar

bartenders have all kinds of interesting conversations with their customers. sometimes  they're hilarious, sometimes they're deeply awkward, sometimes they're way too personal for two strangers, and sometimes they are amazing and stick with you for a long time.

last spring, i waited on this guy from minnesota who was waiting for his daughter to finish a day of auditioning for dance companies. i think his name was brian. i knew i liked him from the moment he ordered a coors, and after listening to me rattle off our list of imported funky draft beers, said "uhhh......just give me whatever is most like coors." his daughter joined us, and she was like a cartoon character: super nice, super sweet, but the most insane valley girl mixed with minnesota accent ever. i loved waiting on them as they were just so nice and funny and chatty, and reminded me of my own dad and me. we talked about new york, and her hopes of joining a dance company or college dance program, and my own dreams and goals of acting.

when they got up to leave, the dad grabbed my hand over the bar, looked me right in the eyes and said:

"olivia, i want to tell you something i tell all four of my kids and i want you to remember it, too: 

no one is coming for you. if you want something, go get it. that's it. go get it."

i think about that all. the. time.

thank you, minnesota-dad-who-is-maybe-named-brian. your words stuck with me.

(via here)

lyra silvertongue

Under the shadow of her arm, she opened her eyes and came properly awake.

She didn't move for some time, because her arms and legs were so sore, 

and every part of her body felt limp with weariness;

but still she was awake, and she felt the little breeze and the sun's warmth,

and she heard the little insect scrapings and the bell song of that bird high above.

It was all good. She had forgotten how good the world was.

-Philip Pullman, The Amber Spyglass

(clouds, lions, paris balloons, macaw, aurora borealis)

what a surprise

i totally get that hearing other people rehash their dreams is the most boring thing ever. i usually start zoning out once someone says "and then this guy i went to kindergarten with, joe hammersmith, you don't know him or whatever, but it was totally him except he looked different and it was SO shocking because, if you knew him, you would know his black afro was his signature and he had NO hair in my dream and i was so surprised and blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

(sarah silverman agrees:

I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream.)

anyway. i had a beautiful dream a few weeks ago and i want to remember it forever. so feel free to zone out and know that i am not offended.


my dad told me that he was napping on the couch a month ago and had a dream that my face was hovering over his and smiling at him. he said he was just on the couch dozing with a big smile thinking about my face and feeling excited that we will see each other in a few months.


well. i cried. obviously. i love my dad so much. i can't wait to hug him too.


then a few nights later, i had this dream:


my dad and i were in a weird tiny kitchen making paella. i have no idea why. (when i told him about this dream, he was like "wtf is paella?" it's a traditional spanish dish of rice, veggies, and seafood, or meat, or a combo.) in our dream kitchen, we could only use an electric kettle to make this dish and i was getting worried. i kept saying that we didn't have the right tools (ie a STOVE and POT among other things) and the paella would be gross and wouldn't be perfect. my dad was telling me to calm down and that we had everything we needed. there were oysters in the recipe (????), and i picked one out of the bag of seafood. when i opened it (i was a trained shucker in the dream), my jaw hit the floor.


there was a giant pearl in the oyster. 


i screamed and showed it to my dad and he said "look underneath!!"


and i lifted up the oyster, and hundreds of tiny seed pearls were pouring all over my hands and down my arms and all over the kitchen floor. i was crying and giggling and my dad was laughing. we were like gleeful little children as we slid all over the pearl-laden floor.


i felt so amazed. i felt so overjoyed. we could not stop laughing.


and that's it. i was so happy when i woke up. i felt so close to my dad. most of all, i felt capable of anything. i felt i can make do with the resources at hand. i felt that being on the road doesn't mean putting everything on hold. no need to press pause just because i am away from home. i can use what i have, and find something amazing.


love you, dad!

{pearl image via here , wedding photo via the amazing hinkley photo)